!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Missing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you ever felt like your soul was empty or felt that if you were to lose this you would be? Well this is exactly how i feel sometimes. Why? Well...just be patient there and I will tell you. Everysince I can remember I've always had a plan for what i would be doing where i would be and what i had to achieve by the time i reached a certain age. Well...as we all know things don't always...nevermind scratch that. Things rarely and almost never go exactly how you imagined they would. I remember being 6 years old during the 1988 olympics and saying to myself "that's going to be you one day national champion and olympic champion by 15 yrs old". Wow wasn't i ambitious? Unfortunately, however, just as the olympic games were approaching the rules changed and i would've been too young to even accomplish that one. So...oblivious to what the future actually had in store for me in terms of the uncontrollable I began one of many quests...this one was for gold. I got up and transplanted myself into my first gym in Alameda California and said "now is the beginning of the rest of your life" and in so many ways it really was despite the fact that i stayed at that gym a mere month because i felt that they weren't going to be any good for me...i mean i was six and already performing back tumbling skills and doing circles on "the pig" (pommell horse) while the other people who were my age were still learning cartwheels and there was nothing i could do about it because of age restrictions. So I packed up and moved to Golden Bear Gymnastics on the UC Berkeley campus and really loved it there but found that yet again I was the youngest guy in the higher levels and at that time Golden Bear was a premiere training place for the girls but the men's program had just started so i ended up having to leave again. However, in the middle of this transition all hell broke loose. Have you ever had to deal with people who are so ignorant to the world that they assume that a sport such as ARTISTIC GYMNASTICS is a girl's sport. What the hell? By this time I was 8 years old and i found for the first time i had to really prove my masculinity which at that time i had really little to no idea about unlike the precoscious kids of today. I mean at 8 years old, although i never played with toys because i was always focused on "living the dream" i would still rather have fun not deal with girls, vaginas nor anything else even remotely related to sex or things that show masculinity unless it was another sport. After years of changing from gym to gym and training with the best and really finding a club that worked for me things begin to change and my goal of olympic porportions seemed inconceivable. Despite being with the best I always found myself questioning what was missing. What was wrong with me and why i hadn't achieved anything i had proclaimed as my future so long ago? I found myself...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!FEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow it says October 6th!!! Today I turn 21!! Woo hoo!!! Oh well moving on to what really matters...Fears. Oddly enough I can't remember the last time I've enjoyed a birthday just because i've been so stressed about so many things over the last few years that i haven't had time to actually sit down and be happy go lucky. Sad but unfortunately true.Anyways....nevermind i don't feel like writing about this because although it is what's going on right now in my head (the fear of failure) I'm not going to talk about it because it is October 6, 2003.

!!!!!!!!!!!INTRODUCTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow!!! I know i've had this page up for quite a while and believe you me that i don't need to be reminded of what a slacker I've been about actually transferring my written journals to my online database. Sorry! With that said...a few days ago while talking to one of my newer friends we began to discuss so many things that we both shared in common and he then began his online journal which in turn, after i read his, made me realize that maybe i should let all of you in on what is going in my head and give you a better indepth insight of what it is or who it is that makes me tick. Not that many of you don't already know or believe you do because of what you assumed from the superficial unyielding first impression. Before i go any further let's start from the beginning and no unlike what many people believe we models aren't all air heads and although i do have a nickname of zoolander please don't actually expect me to have the same IQ. LOL

   Who am I? What are my passions? What makes me uniquely me? Well...where to begin? Unfortunately although i say I know who I am and what makes me special when i sit down and really think about it i come up with nothing. I'm just like you and the neighbors nextdoor just. I have problems just like anyone and everyone else, have my own set of hang ups, insecurities, fears NOT jk of course i do, and limits. The only difference between the neighbors next door, you and I is that I am actually regergitating everything that is going on in my head online for all of you to view whether it is good or bad. So...now that i've written a rather long winded introduction I hope you can find parallells between what you are either going through or have gone through and can either find something that may help you, or allows you to empathize and/or get a better understanding of who I am. If you do...write and tell me about your thoughts. Thanks and ciao